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By: Midori
(click to go to her profile and blog)

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Are you a woman seeking to submit in a D/s relationship? Or maybe you've been exploring a bit with partners, in flesh and digital form. When you were a little girl, did you feel tingly at the thought of a handsome, strong prince, totally in charge? Perhaps true-crime stories with captured women strangely excited you. Or maybe you stroked between your legs reading the "Story of O".

If so, this is the first of a series of musings for you. Consider this as some thoughts to ponder, to help you navigate the journey and relationships ahead of you.

A MATTER OF CHARACTER

First thing to consider is that a D/s relationship is created by real human beings with all their charms and flaws. All the mistakes that you can make in an egalitarian relationship await you in the D/s relationship, amplified by the experimental form of this new dynamic.

If a person isn't honest in their regular relationships, they're not suddenly going to become an ethical and honest Master because he waives around convincing sounding SM catch phrases. That guy that you met on-line whose wife doesn't know about your submission to him? Well, you can bet that he's not going to be any more honest to you than he is with her. Sure, he'll tell you that she just doesn't understand - and you're the one who sees his "true" qualities. It feels good to be someone's confidant. It feels so good, it's practically addictive to find Masters misunderstood by their wives and girlfriends. If they were so misunderstood, why don't they have the strength to find a life where they can live fully as who they are? It would only be kind for them to stop wasting the wives' or girlfriends' time.

If a man isn't skilled in communications in their non-kink relationships, they'll be just as communication impaired in D/s. Presenting D/s fantasies and myths before you, most of them based on fiction or hearsay, he may convince you that there are universal protocols of secret societies to be obeyed, eliminating the need for him to be a clear and responsible communicator, and convincing you that it's the submissive's job to figure out what the Master wants. A man who is a quality master, with ethics and strength in character, is highly likely to conduct all manners of his relationships, whether romantic, personal or business, with dignity and accountability.

So before you consider what sort of Master he is, consider what sort of man he is. The skills of Mastery can be used just as equally in service of a good heart, a cowardly heart or a wretched soul.

Of course the same goes for you. If your habits and patterns in non-kink romantic relationships have been counter-productive to a healthy dynamic, then you may find yourself getting into the same mess in a collared union. Unless you make the difficult changes that need to happen, a collar or contract won't make your relationships any better. While the fantasy of being so owned that you are free of responsibility is sweet, in reality you have a ton of responsibilities. (We'll talk about these in future entries.) Perhaps you seek a Daddy-Girl structured relationship. Even so, you're still a grown up, with grown up accountability. You can't just throw a tantrum, manipulate hearts, lie, cheat or engage in avoidance through your relationship. If you find it fun to be a brat from time to time, set up time and space where you can engage in your fully child place - in other words, a scene for the kicks of it.

RESPONSIBILITY

Second, all parties have adult responsibility in this relationship. While it may be a relationship based on clearly delineated unequal hierarchy, no one is totally powerless or totally powerful. This is a relationship constructed by two (or more) adults, consenting and based on the choice to participate. This latter may seem at first to contradict the romance of power exchange - that one surrenders power and authority completely. The reality is that a submissive can at any time declare the end of the relationship, just as much the dominant can. This is a deeply terrifying reality for dominants not secure in themselves. D/s relationships have the power and potency because of the moment-to-moment choice to belong and submit. The consent at the beginning of the relationship is just that -the beginning.

If you feel that you don't have a choice, that terrible things will happen if you don't obey, or your life will fall apart without him, or worse, that what you are in is not a D/s relationship anymore - you're now a victim. It's time to seriously reconsider the relationship.

For a few chuckles and insights, take a look at the Master's Check List below:

MASTER GOODHEART

LORD DRAGONBREATH

He's open and honest about his relationship status with all people involved. You can call him at home. His friends are good people. He is a responsible working adult. He helps support his aging parents. He owns up to his own mistakes and knows how to apologize. He knows that he can always learn more about D/s and life in general from many sources. He readily shares with you how he learned D/s and kink, and what he doesn't know. He takes an interest in you as a person. He seeks to understand your talents, assets and strengths to best utilize them in your service capacity. He figures out ways for you to learn or train around new skills and give you opportunity to learn and grow in service. He respects your boundaries. He respects your responsibilities outside of the relationship. He understands that some women enjoy submission. He treats your friends with respect.

He hides his relationships from other relationships. You aren't to call him at home. His friends are creepy. He's chronically unemployed and blames everyone and every thing for it. He lives in his parents' basement. He's never wrong. It's always someone's fault, often yours. He knows how it's really done and others are wrong. He learned from some mysterious "Olde Guarde" training house. He isn't interested in you as a whole person. Your talents are inconsequential. You will fit into his mould. He expects you to be a super perfect slave. He expects to ignore your boundaries because that's a Master's right. He believes all women are inherently submissive. He tries to hit on your friends, talk them down or otherwise disrespect them.

(Want more Midori? www.PlanetMidori.com

You can leave a message, responses and questions to her via her SocialKink profile or directly to her at Ask@PlanetMidori.com

Midori is a globetrotting sexpert, who parties and teaches cool classes on fun sex and wild kink all over the world. Check out her books "Wild Side Sex: The Book of Kink", "Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage" and the sex filled sci fi short story collection, "Master Han's Daughter.)